What To Do When It All Falls Apart

I have written before about my attitude on becoming a "yes man" - meaning that I try to say yes to everything that I can.  I believe that this attitude has made a huge difference in my life, but when you become a "yes man" you run the risk that you reach a breaking point when everything falls apart.  

It's a risk worth taking, but it can leave a very bad taste in your mouth.  So here's what you should do when everything comes to a breaking point and starts to fall apart: 

Give Yourself Permission to Take a Break
The first thing you must realize is that this was bound to happen. If you push yourself and try to continually step out and step up, you are going to eventually hit a breaking point.  You need to know that this is ok and that it doesn't represent a failure. It is a natural part of finding that right balance and you need to give yourself permission to take a break and re-evaluate.  

At this point, you have probably been committing a large chunk of your time and energy into working for other people.  Take some time for yourself.  Cancel some meetings, clear your calendar and pick up that book you have been meaning to read.  Do whatever it is that you need to recharge and clear your mind.  You will be spinning with everything that you have committed to and you need to just give yourself permission to let it all go for a little bit. 

Re-evaluate and Re-prioritize
Once you've taken a little time and have your feet back under you, it is time to take a hard look at what got you here.  Have you, in fact, over-committed? Or did the "perfect storm" just hit that sent you to the breaking point? The answer may be a little bit of both. In either case, a re-evaluation of everything you have said "yes" to is in order.

Part of saying "yes" is about exploration and experimentation. Rather than say "no" because you are afraid of the commitment, you have said yes out of a willingness to give it a try. Some of the things you have said "yes" to, however, may not have actually been a good fit. Perhaps you didn't connect with others you are working with. Perhaps you aren't able to apply your skills as you thought you might and don't feel that you're really contributing. Maybe it just doesn't feel right. Whatever it is, you need to know that it is ok to tell some person or group that it just isn't working. Saying "yes" isn't forever. 

Don't leave anyone in a lurch, but not only is it ok - I think you have a duty to re-evaluate and re-prioritize the projects, non-profits, etc. that you have taken on. While you may have some nagging guilt about pulling back, remember that in the end it only works for both parties if everyone is fully committed.  If you are not, get out of the way so that someone else can step in.  

Get Back At It
While re-evaluation and re-prioritization is healthy and needed, here is what you simply cannot do - just stop. It is sometimes a natural reaction when you hit that breaking point: just shut it all down. Say "no" to everything and just walk away.

First, this really isn't fair to either you or the groups/projects you are working with. While it is ok to take a break, abruptly quitting "cold turkey" is another story. In truth, you are at a stressful point in the cycle and you probably don't want to walk away from everything. You need to give yourself time to take that break and then re-evaluate everything once you're back on solid footing.

The other reason why you shouldn't just stop and walk away is that you started saying "yes" for a reason. Unless you have achieved everything that you set out to do, you will have left a large hole unfilled. If you stop and think about it for a minute, you will see how much value you have created through your contributions and the difference it has made in your own life. You don't want to give all that up, do you?

So after you have taken some time and gone through the re-evaluation and re-prioritization process, you need to get back at it. You will be glad you did.

Remember that reaching a breaking point is actually a good sign. It means that you're pushing yourself and that you are making a real difference in lives around you. I guarantee that the world is better off because you have said "yes." 

Reaching the breaking point is never fun or easy, but it is a clear sign that you are someone who is giving their all.  And for that we are all grateful.

Comments

[kengon]

Charlie,

It's also worth noting that sometimes the worst thing that a person can do is to "try and hold it all together" when something is really "coming apart".

There are times when the right thing to do is to do just that -- let it come apart *fully*!

Out of doing that, there is an opportunity to really complete things AND look at what's next, not just continuing to deal with stuff as things teeter on the breaking point.

It takes real discernment to recognize the difference.

[Charles Araujo]

Ken - here, here! Someone once said that the only common denominator of successful people is that they have pushed and taken risks and lost it all at least once, but then got up and started over. Sometimes you need that full and complete release to see what will rise from the ashes. Thanks for the comment!